There is no justification for abuse by a partner, but it’s also hard to admit you’re a victim
- By Amanda Kippert
- Aug 14, 2024
This piece was originally published in 2015. It was updated in 2024.
It should go without being said, no one ever intends to be in a relationship with an abusive partner. In fact, most of us have probably said at one point or another, I would never stay with an abuser. If someone hit me, I would leave and never look back.
But then, it happens. We meet someone seemingly caring and romantic, charming and alluring who turns out to also have some “jealousy issues.” Or a fiery temper. We chalk their behavior up to stress at work, a less-than-ideal childhood or having a few too many drinks.
It’s normal to want to make excuses for a person we care about. It’s difficult to admit that we’ve been tricked into entering a cycle of abuse. It’s even more difficult to say the words “I’m being abused” aloud. After all, didn’t we say we’d leave if that someone ever did that to us?
The truth is many survivors have a hard time seeing their partners’ behavior as abusive until the survivor is able to get out of the relationship and can look back with more clarity. You’re not alone if you recognize any of the excuses below. But it’s important to spot the red flags of abuse as soon as possible because it’s most likely that abusers will escalate their abusive tactics over time, pushing a survivor further and further into isolation, control and fear. Shouting too often becomes striking. Threats of harm often come to fruition. The sooner you can reach out for help from a trained domestic violence advocate at your local shelter or a professional at a Family Justice Center, the sooner you can formulate a plan to get away safely.
10 Ways Survivors Minimize Abuse
Do you recognize any of these excuses in yourself or someone close to you?
- It doesn’t happen all the time.
This is one of the most confounding things about abuse. Those who abuse rarely are abusive 24/7. They may even be over-the-top romantics the first time you meet them (which is often love-bombing). An abuser may pretend he or she never abused you. They may never acknowledge their abuse or argue against your memory of it (this is called gaslighting). You may be convinced it was just a one-time thing that won’t happen again. In between abusive incidents, everything may appear calm on the surface of your relationship. Yet, the difference between an occasional argument and abuse is that a survivor of abuse will usually feel uneasy at all times—even the seemingly calm periods. This is why it’s important to listen to your gut. Do you dread going home? Are you afraid to talk to your partner about pretty much anything? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells at all times? These can be serious red flags. - But he’s never hit me.
Abuse can take many forms, not just physical (e.g., hitting, shoving, kicking, throwing things, punching the wall, strangulation). Abuse can be psychological, mental or emotional. It can look like bullying, name-calling, lying, gaslighting, shaming or embarrassing a partner on purpose, and isolation from friends and family. Once they realize a survivor is trapped, abusers often escalate their abuse from nonphysical forms to physical violence. It’s important to remember it’s never too early (or too late) to set boundaries with a partner. - Other people endure worse than this.
The comparison game is an easy one to play, but it’s not helpful. If a friend came to you and disclosed that their partner was abusing them,, would you tell them, “You can handle it—someone undoubtedly has it worse”? Of course not. So why tell yourself that? Everyone deserves to feel safe with their partner. And not just sometimes, but at all times. Abuse is not a sliding scale—there is no excuse for one incident just as there’s no excuse for years of control and intimidation. - He’s so romantic/caring/attentive when he’s not angry.
Love-bombing is when the abuser showers the survivor in gifts or feigns interest in everything the survivor likes in order to create a false sense of deep connection. “This inability to trust can ruin love in a way because love gets associated with abuse and control. The reason why the control is so effective, especially in the beginning, is because [the survivor] is given a love like they’ve never experienced before,” Talia Bombola, certified psychodynamic therapist out of Newport Beach, tells DomesticShelters.org. - He can’t help it—he had a traumatic childhood.
Unfortunately, enduring abuse in childhood does increase one’s risk for becoming abusive as an adult, or becoming a victim of abuse. But childhood trauma or not—being abusive toward a partner is a choice. Most survivors of childhood trauma choose not to abuse others. - Things will get better after we have a baby.
Who wouldn’t soften at the sight of a baby? Unfortunately, an abusive partner who feels entitled to all of their partner’s attention, that’s who. Statistics show that pregnancy escalates an abusive partner’s power and control tactics. Some experts say it’s because pregnancy isn’t something the abuser can control, which then leads to an abuser tightening their control where they can. This might mean blocking their partner from getting proper prenatal care, physically abusing the partner to try and lose the pregnancy, sexually abusing the partner while pregnant, or something else equally horrific. Abuse during pregnancy has been shown to lead to higher rates of preterm labor and low birth weight, as well as higher rates of miscarriage. If someone is abusing you and you become pregnant, consider reaching out to a domestic violence advocate as soon as possible to learn more about abuse during pregnancy and to create a safety plan. - He’s only like this when he drinks. Once he gets sober, it’ll stop.
Someone once said that an abuser who stops drinking is just a sober abuser. While alcohol can definitely increase the frequency, duration or severity of abuse, drinking does not cause an otherwise safe partner to just begin abusing their partner out of nowhere. But many abusers will use the alcohol excuse to minimize their abusive choices or to guilt a survivor into staying with them until they can “get better.” - I can lose my temper too. I think we’re both at fault.
Many survivors question or berate themselves for reacting to an abuser in the moment. A survivor may yell back or even fight back when abused. This reaction is not the same as being abusive. Abuse is a calculated pattern of power and control—it’s not losing one’s temper every so often. Mutual abuse, or the idea that two parties in a relationship can be abusive simultaneously, is widely regarded by experts and advocates as false. “Mutual abuse” is more often than not weaponized as a type of victim-blaming. With domestic violence, one partner is abusive and one partner is reacting to that abuse. A survivor should not feel guilty for reacting to abuse. A survivor has every right to defend themselves against an abuser. - No one else will ever love me so I may as well stay with them.
This is simply not true. I don’t even know you, reader who is reading this. But I can tell you it isn’t true. Many abusers will use guilt, shame and degradation to tear down a survivor’s self-esteem so much that they believe this to be true. This is a classic brainwashing tactic. One could make a broader point here about how we’ve all been ingrained with this belief that we must be paired up to have worth in the world and how being alone and loving yourself is truly the most important relationship of our lives, but that might sound a little too woo-woo to some people. Regardless, consider your options if this is truly your belief—would you rather live a life feeling controlled and unsafe with an abuser (who does not love you if they’re abusive toward you, no matter what they say) or would you rather live a life on your own terms, free from control and harm? Therapy for yourself can also help you rebuild your self-worth and self-esteem to battle past the false narratives an abuser has built. - I can’t tell anyone my girlfriend/wife is abusing me—I just need to “man up.”
Men, I hate to break it to you, but you are not immune to domestic violence. And there is no “manning up” in the world that will make your life with an abusive partner feel OK. The Department of Justice estimates at least 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year. This number doesn’t account for men who endure nonphysical types of abuse such as verbal, emotional or financial abuse. While it is rarer for men to be abused by a partner than women, and thus, there is a stigma a male survivor can feel when reaching out for help, it shouldn’t stop a man from establishing healthy boundaries with a partner who’s abusing them. It may help for you to read about male survivors like Gus and Ron who overcame abuse and are now supporting other survivors.
Content retrieved from: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/the-excuses-we-tell-ourselves.