Signs of physical abuse like bruises and scratches are easy to see, but domestic violence dynamics can be more subtle. Learn to identify them and end the abuse.
By Michelle Pugle
In the “fawn response” to trauma, a person attempts to please their abuser and diffuse anger to avoid conflict, experts say.
Many people equate domestic violence with direct physical abuse, but experts warn this is a dangerous myth.
This narrow view of domestic violence can sometimes allow the insidious and far-reaching effects of other kinds of abuse to go unacknowledged, says Michele Kambolis, PhD, a clinical therapist and mind-body health specialist based in Canada.
In fact, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, harassment, and stalking all fall under the umbrella of domestic violence, says Jennifer C. Genovese, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker and assistant teaching professor in the school of social work at Syracuse University’s Falk College in New York.
Signs of these kinds of abuse aren’t always easily detected by people outside the relationship, and are even harder to recognize for those experiencing them. “Domestic violence typically occurs behind closed doors and may be hidden from loved ones and others outside the relationship. Therefore, being aware of the subtle signs of abuse is essential,” says Dr. Genovese.
Abusive relationships may appear intense or “loving” at first, Genovese says.
“The dominant partner may seem very attentive, protective, and complimentary, and show an unusual amount of attention and affection,” Genovese explains. “A strong bond may be established between the couple, and the relationship may move quickly, with early discussions of moving in together, or marriage, or discussions of having children,” says Genovese.
The swift intensity of the relationship allows the abuser to quickly establish control over the victim’s life, Genovese says.
Who Is at Risk of Experiencing Domestic Violence?
Also commonly referred to as domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, domestic violence can happen to anyone. “Perpetrators and victims of abusive relationships come from all walks of life, all economic backgrounds and cultures, and can be any race, age, gender, or sexuality,” says Genovese.
That said, some people are known to have a higher risk of experiencing domestic violence at some point in their lives. “Individuals who are isolated, vulnerable, or with limited or unavailable support systems are at great risk of being in abusive relationships,” says Genovese.
Dr. Kambolis says women are more likely to face domestic violence than men — and if you’re a Black woman, Indigenous woman, or woman of color, your risk is even higher. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that one in three women worldwide have been subjected to physical or sexual intimate partner violence or nonpartner sexual violence in their lifetime.
A person’s immigration status can also play a role in domestic violence, reports the nonprofit Women Against Abuse. Fears about deportation or separation from children born in the United States and difficulty with language barriers are all challenges that play into an unequal power distribution that disproportionately affects the person being abused, Women Against Abuse states.
Additional risk factors for domestic violence, Genovese notes, are:
- A personal or family history of domestic violence
- Financial instability
- Traditional gender norms
- Lack of social support
- Poor neighborhood support
- Low education level, or having parents with less than a high school education
- Unhealthy family relationships
- Young age
Know the Subtle Signs of Domestic Violence
One of the trickiest parts in identifying domestic violence is that the signs don’t always appear right away. This is because abusers often try to hide this part of themselves at first, says Jennifer Kelman, a licensed clinical social worker and certified professional counselor based in Boca Raton, Florida, who specializes in relationship issues with JustAnswer. But abusers can only contort themselves for so long before the abuse tendency becomes apparent, Kelman says.
Watch out for these five lesser-known signs of an abuser that aren’t based on physical violence.
1. They Insist on Accompanying You Everywhere
An abuser who wants to isolate you from others has many “looks” — including never leaving you alone. This is not because they “love you so much and only want time together,” warns Kelman. It’s about establishing power and dominance and separating you from loved ones, which makes relying on the abuser necessary, Kelman explains.
The abuser may indirectly isolate someone by not allowing them to leave home or carry out any activities alone, such as going to school or work, doctor appointments, grocery shopping, picking up their children, or participating in events with extended family or friends, Kelman says.
Establishing this type of control doesn’t happen overnight, though. The perpetrator may become progressively more possessive or jealous over time, Genovese says, eventually forbidding the person to participate in any activities alone.
2. They Frequently Employ Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which an abuser causes a person to question his or her own reality. It’s named after the British dramatist Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light, which tells the story of a husband who slowly manipulates his wife into thinking she’s mentally ill.
According to Genovese, gaslighting can involve taunting or humiliating a person, and then accusing them of being overly sensitive or dramatic when they react to these taunts. “The victim is made to feel confused, or that their reactions are out of proportion to the circumstances and to begin to question their own reactions and feelings,” says Genovese.
In these types of relationships, the abuser often paints a picture of the person being abused as mentally unfit and overreactive, or downplays abusive incidents as normal arguments, says Kambolis. Over time, the person being abused may come to question all their own thoughts, leaving them even more dependent on the abuser.
This type of emotional abuse puts people at higher risk of experiencing physical harm, Kambolis adds.
3. They Use ‘Love Bombing’ to Smooth Over Emotional Attacks
Emotional abuse often involves emotional attacks, which Kambolis defines as constant judgment and criticism and treating someone as if they’re worthless. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to emotionally chip away at the other person’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling dependent and incapable of leaving, Kelman adds.
Love bombing — which can take the form of gifts, compliments, apologies, and grandiose promises to never repeat the abusive behavior — often follows these emotional attacks as a way to smooth things over, Kelman explains.
If this pattern of emotional attacks followed by love bombing develops, reach out for support to safely break free of the relationship, Kelman advises. In general, attempts to talk to an abuser about this type of behavior results in the abuser using blaming, manipulating, and gaslighting tactics to avoid responsibility, she says.
4. The Person Being Abused Seems Eager to Please Their Abuser
A person experiencing domestic violence may agree with, compliment, praise, or make excuses for the abuser in an attempt to minimize the abuse, explains Genovese.
For example, a person may check in with her abuser before making any decisions, no matter how small. They may also avoid responding to questions in front of others without seeking permission from their abuser. “This permission-granting may be nonverbal, perhaps just a subtle nod of the head, or the blink of an eye, but permission must be granted before the victim feels safe enough to respond,” Genovese says.
This may happen for several reasons, researchers say. It may relate to a trauma response called the fawn response. This is a behavior, often learned in early childhood as a result of trauma, that occurs when a person being abused immediately attempts to please or appease their abuser to avoid further trauma, according to The Dawn Wellness Center and Rehab, an international accredited rehabilitation center for individuals with trauma and related psychological issues.
The fawn response can often give way to entrapment and codependency in abusive relationships, the Dawn center reports.
5. The Relationship Has Been Through Several Breakups and Makeups
Someone experiencing domestic violence may try to leave an abusive relationship several times before being fully able to reclaim their life, says Kambolis.
According to Women Against Abuse, there are several reasons for this:
- They lack resources, such as a safe place to stay or a reliable mode of transportation.
- They fear falling into financial insecurity or poverty.
- They worry about the well-being of children or pets.
A fear of harm or retribution from the abuser may also lead someone to stay in an abusive relationship and to mistakenly believe they can end the cycle of abuse if they simply “try harder” to make things work or avoid upsetting the abuser, explains Kelman.
The abuser may also threaten self-harm or suicide — a specific form of control used to prevent someone being abused from leaving the relationship, says Genovese.
While it can be emotionally challenging to leave an abusive relationship, getting support is a first step toward healing and freeing yourself from abuse, says Kambolis.
And while it can be difficult to see a loved one return to an abusive relationship, emotional and psychological violence is never the victim’s fault. “We can’t expect an abuse victim to be empowered in a powerless situation. You can, however, be unwavering in your support,” says Kambolis.
Content retrieved from: https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/lesser-known-warning-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/.