Here’s how you can spot an issue and help your child break free from a toxic relationship.
Most people think of domestic abuse as something that happens to adults, and more so, that it involves married couples. But the reality is that abusive teen relationships are much more common than most parents realize. A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey looking at teen dating found that 1 out of 11 girls and 1 out of 15 boys have experienced physical dating violence in the past year, and 1 out of 9 girls have experienced sexual dating violence.
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At the core of most abusive relationships is that one person is working to control the other person. They exert this control by humiliating and criticizing them, by cutting them off from other people in their life and isolating them, by controlling their whereabouts, their clothing, their way of appearing and their sexual behavior. By chipping away at any self-esteem, self-respect and source of support they become the center of the other person’s world.
Teens are novices in the world of romantic relating, and they may not have mature ideas about what it really means to love and be loving. A partner who tells them that anger, criticism, jealousy and possessiveness are all the result of loving them so much, can be easily believed. Aggressive and hurtful acts may start out slowly and build, or seemingly come out of nowhere and overwhelm.
Signs Your Teen May Be in an Abusive Relationship
- A shift away from friends and activities that they really used to enjoy.
- Slipping grades at school.
- Excessive time spent texting, checking in with or being with their partner.
- Often apologizing to the partner or for the partner with excuses.
- Seeming afraid of making the partner mad.
- Covering up with clothing in new ways.
Abusive relationships often lead to depression, and even suicidal thinking, as a teen fears they are trapped and can’t tolerate but can’t leave their situation. Without intervention, teens who are in abusive relationships often go on to be in other abusive relationships later in life.
You may need to help your teen see that emotional abuse is abuse. Help your child see that you and others will rally around them to provide support, and that they need to end contact with their abuser as completely as possible.
There are multiple hotlines available to guide parents and teens in regards to how teens can break free from abusive relationships and get support. Those include the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233); and the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
All parents should think about prevention. Talking to your preteens about what constitutes a healthy relationship and what doesn’t sets the groundwork, and it will help them to spot abusive behavior at the start and disengage. Model for them respect in your own relationship.
Tell them, “It’s never OK for a date to hurt you, pressure you, call you names, tell you what to wear or who you can and can’t be with, or try to get you to do sexual things that you are not wanting to do yourself.” A partner should build you up, bring out the best in you and have respect for you and, of course, your teen should be doing the same for any partner of his or hers.
It’s important that parents show teens what mutual respect looks like at home. Make sure they know you will always help them, and not judge them, and give them a few other people that they can always talk to if they prefer. Dating is an important precursor to learning what a good relationship is for you later in life. Help kids to establish healthy expectations for relationships and how they should be treated.